I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
