remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
