he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
