you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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