I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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