Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And then he peed in my hair
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
