my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
