Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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