he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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