I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
