You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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