Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
