I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
