Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
