I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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