dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
