i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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