I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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