why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
