So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
