Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
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Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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