Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
