Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
