Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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