dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
