end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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