i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
