I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
