There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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