we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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