I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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