she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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