i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
