My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
