Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
How's work?
Spinning.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
