plz talk dirty to me
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
