Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
