All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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