She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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