I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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