my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
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I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....