You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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