About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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