You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
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Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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