Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
