You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show