He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him