how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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