I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
