Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
