I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
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We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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