as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
