I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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