I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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