So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
