I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
