Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
