are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
