We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
