woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
