I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
