I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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